This one is out of order, came from an event this morning
My doctor in his clearly infinite wisdom has decided to discontinue prescribing to me a second anti-depressant without even consulting me on its effectiveness 😳🤯
Last i checked i was the one taking low dose add on anti-depressant Bupropion ( generic Wellbutrin), hey Doc… its been working thanks for asking. After being in a severe state of depression for approximately three decades along with social anxiety among other mental health ISSUES i would think my opinion matters… yo doc if you drive me back to a severe state of depression it’s going to be difficult to collect money from the government for those whopping 8 minute appointments! 🤬
Anyway, todays facebook anger is as follows…
THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM WANTS ME TO BE SUICIDAL… WHY???
WHY THE FUCK IS THAT!!!
I DON’T WANT TO BE FUCKING DEAD
I WANT TO LIVE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
AND MY GODDAM DOCTOR DISCONTINUES AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME
YOU’RE A FUCKING DOCTOR… YOU PRESCRIBE
I TAKE AS PRESCRIBED
YOU!!!! ASK ME HOW THEY’RE WORKING ASSHOLE!!!
[edit; typos are my nemesis]
I need to accelerate my past writings on here.
It’s time to get some new shit off my chest!
Ill be flooding my blog at some point today so i can get on to new thoughts, opinions, poems and bitchin’
‘Get in, sit down, shut up and hold on’
It’s going to be one hell of a ride…
Facebook posts, December 15, 2018
Lost my money clip.
Could care less about the cash, it was probably only $40 or $50 but all my id and credit cards, bank card.
December 16, 2018
When I finish work today…
I think I need a music playlist that’s just fucking heavy…
Rage Against the Machine maybe, Calm like a Bomb, ya that song fits the bill 😀
White Stripes… Icky Thump… love the guitar in that 😆
I’m gonna rock out…
Bwaaahahaha I made ya think that 😉😂
Throw down your favourite heavy awesome fucking songs people, I’ll put em on my playlist 🎸 🥁
How I spend a lot of time… just me and my tunes 🎧
(Bose wireless headphones, best $300 ever spent)
I think all the time? I’m sure everyone does, I obviously have no idea what other people think about. I don’t think my internal dialogue is normal 🤷🏼♂️
Anyway because of how my brain works… right now it’s my realization that I no longer have anything personal to lose. I’m completely exposed now. Funny thing is I feel somewhat liberated. I am by no means saying I feel good or normal. Far from the truth actually but I do feel “ok” today.
So I’m gonna take a break, maybe short term, maybe permanent. It truly just depends on if I feel I have more I need to say for my own self preservation. I guess only time will tell for me.
It has truly made me happy to read a few of the pm’s I got from some of you that honestly I thought might be the people that read what I was saying and could very easily have decided to do as I ask and delete me. I’m glad you didn’t. No one will ever know what any of you said to me or who I responded to and who I did not. The only way any of that reaches the light of day is if you decide to share it yourself.
Just because I’ve decided I’m done on this public forum for now. If you ever need to talk, if you ever need an ear, if you ever need a shoulder. I’m here, I always have been and I always will be. I also have a little insight and perhaps I can help, maybe your spouse or a friend is struggling and you want an idea how to approach it. That doesn’t mean this is one size fits all. We all are different right 🤷🏼♂️
I don’t want to put anyone in a bad place, particularly at this time of year. I know only too well he ow that feels. So my story will continue, I just don’t know if I’ll let anyone hear the rest.
Enjoy your Christmas
Facebook posts, December 13, 2018
1. Just purged my friends list. Can’t guarantee I won’t continue, perhaps by the time I finish what I need to do I’ll delete Facebook, haven’t decided that yet either.
2. Actually that felt pretty good so I purged a half dozen more. I’ll wait till tomorrow to purge again.
If you didn’t make the cut or don’t make future cuts, nothing personal but your impact on my life isn’t enough to keep you here.
When I posted my “letter” I honestly didn’t know what was next!
And I promise you that all you need to know is in the words I’ve written down. When I say I didn’t know what was next I was not speaking about suicide. I know for a lot of people that’s a scary thing, and let’s be honest the impact of that is far reaching. I have no doubt I’ll talk about it regardless of how hard that is for people. I said I would be honest. I said that I decided my word meant something at a very early age. I meant that. What I mean by I didn’t know what was next is… I had in my head (the fucked up place that it is 🤯) what I figured were two viable options. Remember I don’t do anything without careful thought, except perhaps spend money, but we’ll get there too probably 🤷🏼♂️.
Option one… simply go back into hiding. I mean if ever there is a world hide and seek championship I am signing up for that. I already have my partner picked 😉. Hiding is easy in the world these days.
Option two… finish what I started!
I’m going to go with option two. Whether I get to the finish part, who knows. It’s entirely possible that at some point I’m going to slide right back to option one.
So I continue. I’ve read and reread and rewritten my letter so many times, hours and hours went in to that. Not because writing is difficult. I wrestled with names. Should I include them or not. I was obviously split as you can see there are some names. Some I kept out on purpose, they know who they are. They don’t need me to remind them. I have no idea whatsoever what their truth is. I’ll never compare so I can say mine is so much worse. This isn’t about that for me.
This is about me. This is about the impact on my life things had. This is about me trying to save myself. I am honestly not looking for pity or even attention. Given I’ve hidden for so long I would assume you all know the last thing I ever want is attention!
I like to think I live by an impossibly high moral code. I’m not sure why or how it happened but throughout my life the one thing I knew for absolutely certain, I was trustworthy. I know that because their were not many people that stumbled through my life that didn’t feel compelled to share with me. It seemed natural I suppose. And they were right to trust me, I’ve never shared anything that was in confidence.
Lots of people have stumbled through my life, and I say stumbled because I’ve never let anyone stay too long. I made sure to end whatever relationship I had with someone before they even had an opportunity to hurt me. You see I’m a really sensitive person. That’s not what you all see because that’s not what I let you see. And my definition of sensitive may not be the same as yours. I have no doubt I’m going to explain that remark eventually 😂
So read and reread, I want to clarify something quickly. Mom I didn’t say that I didn’t blame you or fault you for our relationship. It was an oversight to be honest. The real truth is I think we both have a part in that but I do accept the lions share of the blame. One of the biggest reasons I say that is because I was thinking about how people can make an impact in your life even without being a large part of it and it’s entirely possible that I did that to you. If so I am sorry. And you’re my mom so I do actually love you. It’s just really really difficult.
So it’s funny how a memory will come back to you sometimes. And as a bonus I get to explain myself on two fronts, impact of people and memories, yay 😀that means this will be a little shorter for everyone that cares to read.
So I happened to notice that Brandon Golden saw this. And that reminded me of a memory. For those that don’t know Brandon, he very easily fit into the handsome cool kid category. When I was 19 I had managed to lose a significant amount of weight so I had a little extra confidence and wasn’t feeling too bad. Brandon and I were both interested in this girl. I can’t recall why but we were all at his parents house among a few others. Not much needed to be said for each of us to know that we both liked her.
I guess I’m a bit of a strange person but again impossibly high moral code. I went and talked to Brandon privately and asked him to just give me one night to try and see if this girl liked me. You see to me Brandon was one of those guys that just had it. I don’t even know what “it” is but he had it. That night Brandon made a huge impact on my life.
Now Brandon had “it” but me on the other hand… I definitely didn’t have “it” 😂. The other thing I didn’t have was confidence, that had been beat out of me long, long before that. And I had also never had a girlfriend. My self confidence and own image of how I looked ensured that. So with every ounce of courage I could find I tried my best.
I ended up dating Sherri for quite some time. I had moments of happiness. I had moments of wonder because a girl as pretty as Sherri does not date a guy like me. A lot of the time it was anxiety because for me, I was always waiting to get hurt.
I said I wouldn’t play the innocent card, I said I would be honest. I won’t repeat that again because I think the point has been made. Sherri never hurt me! I am certain that I hurt her though. You see that was yet another thing I ran and hid from. Our relationship definitely ended because of me. I was a coward too, I broke up with her and wasn’t even man enough to do it face to face.
Just before the end of our relationship Sherri had said to me “I love you”, that was the end right there. She didn’t know that but I did. To me those words meant I was too close and it was time to end it. So I did. Sherri now has a husband and 2 beautiful daughters. I couldn’t be more happy for her. Sherri I’m sorry, you deserved better from me than that ending.
So people who are fleeting in your life can actually make lifelong impacts on you. At least that’s the way it is for me. So when I say to my mother I may have had that impact on you it’s because I don’t know if I did or didn’t. Only you do.
My definition of sensitive. For me I say I’m sensitive because nothing really ever leaves me. 🤷🏼♂️ it’s just there. When I was in my early twenties and I was still dating Tracy and not married yet we were going through a KFC drive through. As we sat there waiting we saw a guy, probably 50-60 feet away. There was a KFC box to his left on the curb and he was a heavy set person. He was lying on his back. It was a nice day, sunny and relatively warm. Tracy asked me if I thought he was okay.
Anxiety is a funny thing, at least for me. When Tracy asked that my thought process went into overdrive. Thought one, get out of the car and go check on him to make sure he’s okay. 🤔 wait if I do that and he’s not okay then there will be paramedics and police. There will most likely be fire. I’m in Brampton at Kennedy & Queen, so there’s going to be so many rubber neckers.
Thought two… look at Tracy and say he’s probably just taking a nap.
For whatever reason that day I chose to say to Tracy he’s probably taking a nap.
I knew it was a mistake at the time not just for the obvious reason of making sure another human being didn’t need help. But also because I knew that was going to live with me forever. Try as I might I can not forget that day and the decision I chose to make. I think about it often and wonder. It eats me up, was he napping. Did he die. I’ll never know. As a human being I’m ashamed of the decision I made that day.
The way I grew up has shaped me. Everything about me. I try to help people and I do it selfishly for certain. I can live with myself if I’ve done all I can to be a good person. And I will help anybody at anytime. I don’t hesitate to help when asked. I think partially that’s because if someone asks for help I want to make sure I do it. I want them to know I’m always there to help. Even then I am incapable of asking for help myself.
I think I’ll end here today.
To be continued…